Hey guys, it has been a very very long time since I posted on the blog. This little thing called life got in the way yet again. I’ve been away, way too long but now i’m back, and hopefully on a more regular basis. To be honest with you, it’s not out of laziness. As you know, in the past three months, I got married and I’m just adjusting to married life. That in itself is a journey!
This post is more creative therapy for me, and coming to terms with something that happened recently, I suffered a miscarriage. Its Christmas time and it’s a pretty rough time for all of this to happen.
A couple of months ago, I started to feel a bit off. I just wasn’t feeling great at all. I managed to shake off my friend at lunchtime, as I wanted to go and get a pregnancy test. I felt really sneaky as I went to buy a pregnancy test from the Tesco Pharmacy. I didn’t think I was pregnant but just wanted to rule it out. I didn’t tell my husband as I didn’t want a build up for something that wasn’t going to happen. I kept the test until the next day and did it once my husband left for work. Well what a result..pregnant I sent my husband a picture on Whatsapp of the test result and we were elated. What a roller coaster ride it was, back pain, nausea and dizziness such a party…not!!
The day is still very clear in my mind, I remember this day, as if it was yesterday. I started spotting. I have never been so scared in my life. I had a breakdown at work. I never had this with my first pregnancy and it has been 16 years since I was last pregnant. My husband and I normally email throughout the day and to bring me comfort, he sent me various links that said spotting wasn’t unusual. I went to the early pregnancy unit to get checked out and I saw our baby on the screen. I felt better seeing the baby, but needed to come back the following week to see if the baby was developing as it should.
On the 21st November, I felt super strange. I went to the loo, and my worst fears were confirmed, in my mind anyway. I was having a miscarriage. My appointment was that same day. I went to the hospital already fearing the worst.I had another scan, my womb was now empty. I was 9 weeks pregnant. The life that was there last week and the 7 weeks before that was now gone.
Words can’t describe how much hurt and disappointed I was feeling. I was approaching the end of the first trimester, how could it go so horribly wrong? I started to blame myself, I started to feel like a failure. Maybe this is my fault for allowing work situations, people, stress to get the better of me. Maybe I was doing too much, maybe I shouldn’t have been moving the chairs at church. Maybe, I should have rested more. I had so many maybes and the more maybes I thought of, the more it hurt. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, you start planning for the future and day dreaming about what will be. All of a sudden, everything just comes crashing down.
I’m not writing this so we can have a pity party on my behalf. I would like to know that this has helped someone in one way or another. Maybe this could assist in helping a partner, friend or relative who has experienced miscarriage in their life in some shape or form. Maybe, this can help someone who has actually been through this, just to know that they aren’t the only ones who have had these feelings.
Things that have helped and are helping me through the miscarriage
- Cry as much as you need to. I still cry now. I would rather get it out than keep it in. Last time I internalised my grief, I had to seek professional help.
- Talk to your husband/partner. This group is often forgotten. The baby was just as much a part of them as it was of you. They also felt the same love you started to develop for your unborn child and they feel the same grief you feel.
- Take the time you need off work if needed. We all deal with grief and bereavement differently. My husband felt the best way for him to cope was to go to work and keep busy. That is his way, does not mean his grief does not equate to mine. It is how he copes. Me on the other hand, very different, I needed time. I feel like I have been torn to shreds emotionally. Someone will say something to me and it will set me off. I had about 2 weeks off. I was in a lot of pain and extremely uncomfortable. I was in an emotional state where just seeing a baby on the television would set me off.
Part two will be up soon. This will cover thoughts and feelings after returning to work and the final scan.